I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
