There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
