Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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