i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
