i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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