I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
