I'm going to jail i love you
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
