we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
