Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
