remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
