i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
