You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
The air was thick with penises
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
