Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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