I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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