This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
