I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
