I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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