i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
