I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
