i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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