This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
