My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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