if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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