Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You're like the curious george of whores
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
