I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
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