His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
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