Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
