I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
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he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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