dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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