Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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