Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
