K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
