Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
