found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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