I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
