I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
