just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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