I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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