Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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