Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
im six kinds of drunk right now
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
