I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
