I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
