I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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