So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
