im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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