i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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