Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
