he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
