she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
