i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
