I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
