He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
