Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
