I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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