he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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