i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
